Leo gets the job done

Leo: "I could patrol the perimeter or I could keep the pigeons off the shed roof or I could even perhaps lie in wait under the house for a Mormon or two. But instead, I'm just gonna lie here ...

Right here in the middle of the yard where nobody will ever see me."

Kinta farewells her uterus (again)

Monday March 26, 2007

Today was pretty traumatic for Kinta.

Not only did she have to deal with another female on her turf (see story on The Moose below) but she had to say goodbye to her second uterus.

Come to think of it, she probably didn't say goodbye to her first uterus.

A strange man just patted her head until she just fell into a relaxing, drug-induced puppy sleep and when she woke up it was gone and she had stitches in her belly.

Her second uterus was our 1995 white Holden Rodeo ute.

Kinta and Leo loved that uterus. When Kinta heard the doors unlock, she knew that a uterus-propelled adventure was on the agenda.

This is the uterus that helped Kinta stalk and hurl abusive barks at trucks and vans on the many kilometres of highway between Bundaberg and Glen Innes.

Only trucks and vans, never cars.

Car stalking is for pussies.

This is the uterus that carried Kinta and Leo to the beach for long swims on weekend afternoons.

Kinta and Leo would hear the loud feral rumblings of the diesel uterus as I rounded the corner on the way home from work. They would be waiting at the gates to greet me, all big doggy grins and wagging tails.

Kinta, Leo and the Uterus in happier times










Kinta, Leo and the Uterus in not so happier times













And to answer your question, yes that is doggy diarrhoea.

Tonight when the new owners came to take possession of Kinta's second uterus, she was a bit concerned.

As the uterus drove towards the gate, Kinta dropped her toy and ran behind it, her eyes darting back and forth between it and us.

It was like she was saying "Why are they taking my ute? They aren't taking my ute are they? They are just borrowing it aren't they? Like that time Aunty Liz and Uncle Joe borrowed it to move house? Right dad? Right dad? Dad?"

We explained to Kinta that we had bought her a much newer, much faster, much more comfortable and much more bloody expensive blue uterus and she had best shut her furry mouth and show some darn appreciation.

She seemed to get over the loss of the white uterus pretty quickly.

(Of course she did Kris you crazy dog lady. Kinta's a dog ... a DOG)

But, I don't think she will ever forget the fun times she had in the white uterus.

Leo certainly won't forget the wave of Kinta's post-beach spray poo that slapped his doggy face at 100 kilometres per hour on the road between Elliott Heads and Bundaberg.

Leo tunes a moose

Monday March 26, 2007

Leo picked up this afternoon and didn't even have to buy the lucky lady a single drink.

He didn't even have to leave our street.

We were heading out on our daily walk when his eyes met a loose lassie who was strutting her stuff, working the whole street.

It was lust at first sight, with Leo particularly taken with her multiple heaving nipples.

We bought her into the yard as we didn't like the idea of her running down the street and possibly getting hit by a car.

As you can see by the photo, the car could come off second best.

This dog is a moose!

Anyway, I suspect that she prefers the ladies but Leo still tried to become her bitch.

Exhibit One: Leo attempts to stick the tongue in











After about 10 minutes in the cage, we decided to lock Leo and Kinta up on the deck so The Moose could have free reign of the backyard.

After determining that Leo wasn't going to follow through on the pick-up, we called The Moose a maxi taxi.

And by maxi taxi, I mean the local Animal Control van.

Alas, Leo shoots but Leo does not score.

On a serious note: this is at least the fourth time that I have called animal control in the past year to pick up a dog that has either followed me home or turned up in our front yard. I am so sick of it!! If the owners of these dogs would just put a tag with the dog's name and phone number on it I would ring them up to come and collect it. But since these owners don't, I feel absolutely no guilt about calling animal control to come and pick them up, thus landing the owners a hefty fine. Getting the dog off the street is a much safer option for the dog - whose welfare I care much more about than the owner's finances.

These people don't seem to care about their dog and certainly don't have any respect for the people who could be threatened by it or worse - swerve to avoid hitting it and have a car accident. Dog owners - get your shit together!

Update on the candle muncher

Friday March 23, 2007

A quick update on Leo the candle muncher ...

he was absolutely fine, with no side effects whatsoever (that we could ascertain).

As a result, we are no longer spending $15 a month on a bag of dogfood for Leo and Kinta.

Kinta can have one bag every two months and Leo can eat all the feral candles we have laying around the house.

So far he likes scented ones the best.

Donations are welcome.

(To all you animal rights people out there - I am only joking. Tempted, but only joking. Please don't take away my babies.)

Leo hits a new culinary low

Monday March 19, 2007

Leo is renowned for eating all sorts of things that he shouldn't. He eats macadamia nuts every day despite reports that these nuts cause paralysis in dogs. He's still walkin'.

Then there was the time he ate a roofing screw. How do we know he ate it? Because Paul extracted it from where it was deposited: lovingly giftwrapped amid a freshly laid dog poo.

But tonight, Leo hit a new culinary low.

Tonight, Leo ate a candle.

Some people use candles to add ambience to a dinner table.

Some dogs mistake a candle for a spring roll and feel pretty special and not at all suspicious about having - just once - entrees before mains.

Our dogs were taught at an early age that our yard is filled with "forbidden zones" and imaginary lines that are not crossed without prior human approval.

Tonight, Paul was cleaning out the garage and had the garage doors up. The candle (aka doggy spring roll) was located approximately two metres inside the garage (well within the forbidden zone).

The next time Paul looked up, Leo was on the grass (a safe zone) munching away on something.

Paul questioned Leo with a very stern "Leo, what is that?"

Leo understood that Paul was not asking if he wanted soy sauce.

Leo dropped the candle, wiggled his bum and crawled towards Paul with his chin low - waay low.
Those who own dogs will know what this action signifies.

It's the "the shit's going down and in order to save myself I must look as cowardly, apologetic and powerless as possible" defence mechanism that is a dog like Leo's only chance of avoiding a megadose of whoop-arse.

While distracted from the candle, Kinta moved in to have a sniff.

But, harnessing her built-in superdoggy scanning device, Kinta quickly ascertained that candles weren't a viable food source and wandered off.

Ok Kinta, we get it.

You're a freakin' prodigy.

What more do you want from me?

Anyway, Paul estimates Leo was chowing down on the candle for about 5 minutes and ate half of it.

Pre-Leo, the candle was 10cm long.

Now it's 5cm long.

Exhibit One: the candle


















Exhibit Two: the dumbarse dog that ate it















Leo my friend, it's going to be a long night.

Me and my blogs - Introductions

Sunday March 18, 2007

Dogs are weird. Writing is hard.

As a professional marketing writer, I have spent years formulating and executing a myriad schmicko spiels for all sorts of clients on all sorts of topics.

However I have recently (and due to my increasing thirst for cash) decided to attempt a triumphant return to my creative writing origins.

These origins saw me storm to victory in numerous Goondiwindi annual agricultural show storywriting competitions. Guess who was a MAJOR prize winner during BookWeek 1989 for one of my original works of fiction? Yup, me. I even have the Robin Klein book with a certificate Clagged into the inside cover to prove it.

And - not being one to boast - guess who also had not one but two stories published in that well-known and respected national children's magazine of the 1980s "KidZone"? That was me again.

So, this blog is part of my attempt to hone my writing skills in a different genre - creative writing. Here I will forgo all notions of brevity, omit marketing-speak and just let it all hang out.

I have decided to devote this blog to the antics of my two dogs Kinta and Leo.

Those who know me won't be suprised. Those who don't know me will think I am pathetic. Either way, I'm good. I'll cope. I was an exchange student in a US highschool for 12 months. I am comfortable with social rejection.

Character Overview

Kinta

Kinta is a 6 year old female (desexed) chocolate Kelpie. She was born in Glenarbon (near Inglewood) to working dog parents in June 2000. Kinta is a frustratingly smart dog with a wide vocabulary and a fetish for toys. It's all about the toys. If Kinta was a human, she would be diagnosed with autism. She is scared of storms and fireworks. I didn't realise this, but the stack of crappy green outdoor chairs on our deck is actually an inpenetrable fortress of doggy safety and calm. Who would have thunk it? Kinta was Paul's dog before I met Paul. I am the evil bitch that diverted some of her daddy's attention from her. As such, I am never to be completely forgiven or totally trusted. Previously, her interest in me did not extend much beyond my provision of food, water and transport. I was nothing more than a ball throwing arm. Recently this relationship has changed. I don't know what I did ... I don't recall any poignant Dr Phil moments between us. Maybe she realised that I wasn't going anywhere. Or maybe she is poisoning my water and those smiles are actually the sick psychotic grins of a deranged and vengeful bitch. Or maybe Paul has told her he's taking me on a "drive down the back paddock" where I will "run away". Or, it could be the fact that I pulled her out of a mangrove about a month ago, where she was stuck up to her shoulders in estuary mud. Too late Kinta. The damage has been done. I don't forget.

Leo aka Reg

Leo is a five year old male (desexed) red Kelpie. We assume he was born in Bundaberg because this is where we busted him out of the RSPCA shelter. His mother could have been a crack addict for all we know. That would actually explain alot. We decided that December 25 would be Leo's birthday so we would always remember it. We always forget. Leo was an extremely bad puppy whose very existence was debated numerous times. However, during an 18 month stint at Paul Stewart's Academy for 100% Bad Arse Puppies, Leo changed his attitude and turned his life around. So successful was Leo's transformation that his story and image is used on all marketing material for Paul Stewart's Academy for 100% Bad Arse Puppies (www.thatdogisfucked.com.au)*. If Leo was human, he would be diagnosed with ADHD and dosed up to his furry forehead on Ritalin. Today, Leo is a reasonably well-adjusted dog who loves peeing on everything (including his mother), eating macadamia nuts straight from the tree, attempting to fornicate with Kinta at every given opportunity and cutting tight circles around the backyard. For all his outward stupidity and disappointment to the entire kelpie community, Leo is an extremely smart dog. His report card always says "lacks focus". He has even saved Kinta's life on one occasion (sort of). Leo is my first dog.

The Narrator

That's me. I am a thirty year old married female, born in Goondiwindi but currently living in Bundaberg. Note I say "currently" and not "permanently". I am a freelance writer and part-time office worker with an interest in all the usual stuff (travel, books, movies, food, exercise, beer, wine, good times). I am not ashamed to admit that Leo is my best friend. I have had dreams in which Leo is stabbed, poisoned, hit by cars, bitten by snakes and dognapped. I wake up from these dreams in tears. Such is the love I feel for this breathing, panting, penis licking, bum dragging ball of fur. Paul fears the day when Leo really does "leave the building". I may have to be put down as well. Leo has two characteristics that most people don't. He always agrees with me and he is always happy to see me. Sometimes, that's all I need.

I officially dub this blog "The Amazing Adventures of Kinta and Leo" or "This is why I have a dog".

Enjoy!

* The Paul Stewart Academy for 100% Bad Arse Puppies is a work of fiction and bares no resemblance to any institution either solvent or insolvent. The domain www.thatdogisfucked.com.au is currently unhosted. Kids, Aunty Kris says: "swearing is not cool".